Wednesday, June 16, 2010

an extreme.

hey :)

so i know right now a lot of people are trying to get fit for summer. and let's face it. we all have looked in the mirror in our bathing suits and hated ourselves.

cliched beginning, no?

well, i figured it's about time i did this post. you guys don't know this, but i've actually struggled with anorexia.

it never became anorexia- it stayed EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). but it sure as hell could have become it.

my best friend had completely stopped eating. she did have anorexia. she was in and out of treatment, but no program seemed to be working for her.

i started to kind of get jealous of her. and before you judge me, just understand this: i've always had issues with my weight. when i was younger, i was always just a wee bit overweight. and that was really hard for me. my self esteem seriously took a hit from that.

i'd lost 15 pounds from my previous weight, so i was at a healthy weight at this point, about 103 pounds at 5'2''.

so when i saw her getting thin, i wanted to try it. it began innocently- slowly cutting back, not eating ice cream after dinner. you know, things like that.

then it became more intense. eating spinach leaves for lunch. drinking cold water to boost my metabolism.

i became obsessed with numbers, whether they were the amount of calories in my food, or the number on the scale.

and you know what? that was the most fucking miserable time of my life. my head constantly hurt, i was always tired, i blacked out when in stood up. i had absolutely no energy to do anything. i was always cold, irritable, angry.

but i kept going.

until one day, my mom looked at me and just said 'you're supposed to be enjoying your childhood'. now, granted, my mom and i are not very close, but this meant something to me. i wasting the best years of my life being consumed by stupidity.

i told myself i was too fat. my goal weight was 87 pounds. you want to try and tell me something wasn't fucked up?

i was hurting my friends. i was hurting my family. i was hurting myself.

so then i started eating. just one day. out of the blue. i ate normally. and i felt so fucking good.

but then the guilt bear paid me a visit. "what the hell do you think you're doing, eating ice cream?!" "put it down before you get fat".

with help from friends, i overcame this.

so you're most likely thinking: why do i care? well, honestly, you might not. but this is something that doesn't get proper attention. anorexia is deadly. it's a mental thing. if you know someone struggling with this, don't automatically assume their selfish: anorexia is a mental condition.

if you know someone struggling, talk to them. cliched, but true. and if this doesn't work, don't even hesitate to bring in a higher authority. because anorexia is much more treatable when caught earlier on.

and what if you're considering this kind of lifestyle? do you really think you can survive on 500 calories a day, for the rest of your life? let me answer that for you. no. there's no point subjecting yourself to that kind of torture. no point in putting yourself through that pain. no one deserves to go through that.

being thin is not beauty. that's what i've learned from this. you can be the thinnest, most gorgeous girl on the planet and some people will still not love you. that's the way this brutal world works. you know how people will love you? when you love yourself. it shows.

if you ever ever ever need to talk about this, hit me up at

i love you all very much :)